Bring the War Home

I am tired of our Young Adults (SLGBTQAs) fighting in weird time zones in inclement weather against foes who are driving around in pickup trucks, when they’re not schlepping through the boonies.

I am no pacifist and I am not soft on terror, but for the theater of our next military incursion, I suggest North America.

It would help facilitate a U.S. transition to democracy, especially after  the fundamentalist extremists and tribal leaders were rounded up and forced to listen to Lady Gaga.

There is, by the way, plenty of North American oil to defend. And natural gas.

Speaking of which, it is time to conclude our unfinished business with Canada. I have  no problem calling it the United States and Provinces of North America.

The problem of the Franco-Catholics in Quebec would be balanced by the Hispano-Catholics in the south, namely, the Mexicans, since we ought to go for hemispheric reintegration, just as the subcontinent  should be de-Partitioned.

Borders are wasteful, difficult to seal, and unproductive.

Let’s stop screwing around with NAFTA and integrate those maquilladoras into our own industrial base.

To wrap it up in Mexico, it would be easy to hire foreign mercenaries—Guatemalans, Salvadorans, Haitians…

Meanwhile, our own troops would fare much better if deployed where they wouldn’t need expensive PXes and could instead get junk food at local Burger Kings et al.

And instead of combat in harsh, desolate foothills, there would be several pleasant mountainous venues to patrol, such as Aspen, Squaw, Whistler….

Also some pleasant islands, such as St. Bart’s and the Bahamas.

An invasion of Cuba could be facilitated by troops disguised as tourists…

Because the CIA is forbidden to operate domestically, the FBI would have a chance to expand its paramilitary operations, its covert detention centers, and its drone capability.

Overall, the North American terrain is varied enough to deploy the full range of our uniforms:

  • white in New Canaan and Greenwich, CT.
  • black in Dumbo
  • floral in South Beach.

We already have huge fleets of used pickups in which to mount our own machine guns.

Saturation bombing of Detroit, South Central, etc. would speed the gentrification process by reducing  tear-down costs and opening up new vistas a la Baron Haussmann.

Occupation would make it easier to apprehend war criminals such as G.W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Barry Obama, Bob Gates…

Occupation would also tend to mop up unemployed youths, esp. those in the hood, where hip hop jobs have increasingly been outsourced to the suburbs.

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